Chapter 12. Two Toads Totally Tired
Thanks to these websites for use of the tongue twisters http://www.geocities.com/Athens/8136/tonguetwisters.html, http://www.uebersetzung.at/twister/en.htm. And thanks to Lilly for the final original tongue twister that this chapter needed.
“The fickle finger of fate flips fat frogs flat.”
“What?”
“Catch a can canner canning a can as he does the cancan, and you've caught a can-canning can-canning can canner!”
“Jack, please!”
“What?”
“Can you just stop now?”
“I thought you were bored?”
“Yes! Yes, God, yes! But this isn’t helping, Jack!”
Jack squinted his eyes and exaggerated his aggravation through the features of his face. He held that pose for a long moment and then slowly relaxed into acceptance, his voice reflecting minor defeat.
“Ok.”
There was a long pause and then golden silence as the quiet settled into the room around them, lulling Daniel towards a slightly blurred world of sleep. A heartbeat before the darkness transformed into an impenetrable curtain, the respite abruptly ended with Jack’s soft, promising voice.
“This is the last story I’ll ever tell . . .”
Daniel squeezed his eyes shut tightly as his face scrunched into a grimace then he let out a long frustrated sigh and slowly rubbed one hand across his forehead.
“Jack, I appreciate what you’re trying to do and the first fifty or so were great but I . . . I think I . . . I should probably rest now.”
“Just one more, Daniel.”
“No!” Daniel’s voice was a strange mixture of aggravation and amusement. “Please, no!” He chuckled softly despite the headache and loud ringing in his ears.
“You need to stay awake, Daniel.”
“But Jack . . .”
“Here, have some coffee.”
“It isn’t coffee, Jack.”
“A proper cup of coffee is a proper coffee cup.”
“Stop it, Jack. It’s water and I don’t want it. I already feel like I’m drowning!”
“Daniel, the doc said . . .”
Heavy eyelids slipped slowly downward threatening to eclipse the normally bright blues eyes that were now a bit glazed and vacant.
“Daniel? Daniel!”
He was slipping away even as Jack called out to him so he quickly moved closer and began shaking Daniel’s shoulder none too gently.
“Leave me alone, Jack.”
The growl wasn’t much above a whisper but Jack heard it clearly.
“Since when do I stop pestering you just because you ask?” Jack chuckled slightly but there was a hint of concern in his dark eyes. “Besides, I give the orders around here.”
“I’m a civilian, Jack, remember? Order all you want . . . I don’t have to listen.”
“What? You’re wrong about that, Danny boy! Who told you that?”
Daniel opened his eyes completely and stared at Jack a moment before answering, the struggle of forcing his brain to form simple words suddenly obvious on his tired features.
“I’m a contractor, Jack, not mil…uh…twhereeee.”
He was slurring his words, fumbling over the multiple syllables as his eyes started to slip shut again. Jack grabbed his shoulder and squeezed hard then shook him again.
“Stop!”
“Well, Mr. Contractor! Maybe I’ll just let YOU deal with the next bunch of natives that you manage to piss off for one reason or another! Or maybe . . . I’ll just leave your butt here and save us all some grief!”
“You won’t do that.”
“Try me.”
“You can’t read Ancient or Goa’uld.”
“And . . .”
“You . . . wouldn’t be able to translate the . . . um . . . art . . .”
“We don’t find a lot of art, Daniel.”
Daniel squeezed his eyes shut again in frustration and forced his mouth to work.
“Art…”
“You said that already.”
Jack’s attempts to keep Daniel awake were really getting under his skin now and Jack was smirking slightly.
‘Oh, well,’ he thought, ‘at least it’s working.’
“Sorry, I forgot who I was talking to . . . rocks. I meant rocks.”
“Well, you don’t usually translate rocks.”
“Yes. I do.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Do.”
“Don’t.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive.”
“You can’t be positive.”
“Why not?”
“You have a head injury.”
“I do?”
Daniel turned bleary eyes toward Jack and frowned slightly as he attempted to focus on the smile that was spreading slowly across his face. Jack chuckled as Daniel’s eyes crossed slightly at the effort.
“You do.” Jack confirmed.
“I should probably rest then.”
Jack leaned his head back and tried to think of something that would keep Daniel awake; anything that would keep him talking and out of the clutching fingers of unconsciousness. It didn’t take long.
“Still dating that teacher?”
“I don’t want to talk about that, Jack.”
“How’s she doing?”
“Jack.”
There was a slight warning tone in Daniel’s voice, which Jack completely ignored. He continued on without missing a beat.
“What’s her name? Evelyn?”
“Ellen.”
“Want me to call her?” Jack twisted slightly and threw an errant thumb over his shoulder. “Only take a second.”
“What? No! Why would you call her?”
“Oh, I don’t know . . . so she won’t be worried.”
“She’s not expecting to see me today.”
“No date then, huh?”
“We’re just friends, Jack.”
“Oh, well maybe I could help that along.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Sure! I could call her up and tell her what a great guy you are! Even build you up a little!”
“Don’t you dare.”
“Come on, Danny! What are friends for? I can just picture it - she stands on the balcony
inexplicably mimicking him hiccupping and amicably welcoming him home. ”
“Jack, I swear . . .”
“You’re right. We should probably keep it quiet.”
Daniel looked a bit startled at Jack’s answer.
“We should? Why?”
“Well, you know, the nurses would be sooo disappointed!”
“Nurses?”
“Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely. In the infirmary.”
“Ellen is in the infirmary?”
Daniel’s voice was filled with sudden concern and confusion as he struggled to keep his mind focused on the conversation. Oops! Jack hadn’t meant to cause him any concern so he changed tactics slightly.
“No, Daniel. She’s fine. You, however, are in the infirmary.”
‘Ok, that sounded normal. Wait. Infirmary?’
“Me? No, I’m . . . ”
Jack watched as he shook his head slightly and a frown spread slowly across his face.
“Open your eyes, Daniel.”
A sliver of blue peeked out from heavy eyelids and a goofy smile replaced the frown.
“Right, the infirmary. Why am I here again?”
“You have a head injury.”
“I do?”
“You do.”
Jack smiled and held up three fingers indicating that this was the third time he had repeated this information to Daniel.
“And you’re here to make my headache worse?”
“Many an anemone sees an enemy anemone.” Jack spewed the words out in a quick rhythmic tone as he watched the frown lines on Daniel’s forehead deepen as he struggled to interpret the phrase then he grinned as concentration turned into a piercing glare. “I was just, you know, keeping you company.”
“By twisting my brain into a pretzel and telling me weird stories?”
“Well, they weren’t all weird.”
“Mother Goose meets the Replicators is weird, Jack.”
“A little unusual maybe.”
“Are you sure it’s me that’s injured, Jack? Maybe we should have the doctor check your head.”
“Plague-bearing prairie dogs. One and all.”
“Look who’s talking?”
Jack cocked his head to one side.
“Don’t get nasty, Daniel. I’m here to help you.”
“Just let me sleep, Jack.”
“See? Right there! You never want to sleep, that proves it! Besides Doc is busy with another team and she wants you to stay awake.”
Daniel had been scanning the room and turned to look back at Jack now, the look on his face was one of complete confusion. He really was trying to keep up with the conversation but his mind seemed to be drifting freely, understanding maybe half the things Jack was saying. There were moments of perfect clarity followed by rampaging eternities of nausea and confusion. Everything would seem normal and then the “blurries” returned, executing a perfect non-hostile take-over in his brain.
“Why?”
“For cryin’ out loud, we just went through this, Daniel!”
“No, we didn’t.”
“Yes, we did.”
“No, Jack.”
“Yes, Daniel!”
“Well, I think I’d remember, Jack! I’m not a moron, you know!”
“Oy! You have a head injury, Daniel.”
“I do?”
“You do.”
“How do I have a head injury? What did you do, Jack?”
“Nothing, Daniel. We were on a mission, you fell, remember?”
“No, Jack. I don’t remember. I have a head injury, remember?”
“You do?”
“Jack!”
“You hungry?”
“Um, not really.”
“Friendly Frank flips fine flapjacks.”
“No.”
“Geek grapes?”
“No.”
“Mrs. Smith's Fish Sauce Shop?”
“I’m nauseous, Jack! Stop!”
“Jelly belly while watching telly?”
“So, you’re not going to tell me what happened?”
“Cheap ship trip.”
“What?”
“Can you imagine an imaginary menagerie manager imagining managing an imaginary menagerie?”
“What the hell does that mean? Why would I even want to?”
“Might give you some insight into my point of view.”
“Jack. Just answer the question.”
“Later, Daniel.”
“What’s wrong with now?”
“You’re supposed to be resting and you won’t remember anyway.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“Tragedy strategy.”
Jack glanced over his shoulder checking on the activity that continued a short distance behind them as the medical staff treated the other injured team. Then he looked towards the door and wondered briefly where Carter and Teal’c were. He could use some back up on this mission. Then he turned back to Daniel, cocking his head slightly to one side and raising his eyebrows slightly in thought as he spoke.
“Want me to tell you a story?”
Daniel frowned immediately but his face relaxed as he considered the suggestion. With a long, slow scrutiny he looked around the room. There was nothing to do. There was nothing to see and maybe, just maybe the sound of Jack’s voice would take his mind off his monstrous headache. It might even drown out the ringing in his ears. He paused for a second wondering why his ears were ringing and then looked blankly towards Jack.
“Well, I guess . . .” he paused, considering again what he was about to say. “I guess that would be . . . ok.”
Jack smiled brightly and settled back into the chair beside Daniel’s bed.
“Ok, let’s see. Once upon a time . . .”
Just outside the infirmary door Sam lifted a hand to her mouth to smother the giggles that were quickly rising from her chest.
“I’d say they’re both ok for now, Teal’c. I think we should come back later. It looks awfully busy in there and the colonel wouldn’t leave anyway.”
“I agree, Major Carter.”
They turned and walked away from the infirmary but after only a few steps Teal’c stopped again.
“Major Carter?”
“Yes?”
“I do not understand O’Neill’s tactics. Is it true that the recanting of imaginary tales is used as a tool to promote relaxation and sleep?”
Carter smiled and nodded her head in agreement.
“Yes, it is.”
“And the strange pattern of words that O’Neill is using?”
“Heaven only knows, Teal’c. I can’t say that I really understand it either. The doctor probably told the colonel to keep Daniel awake.”
“And you believe this to be a wise method?”
“Wise? Hmm. I’m not sure about that maybe effective would be a better word. You know Daniel and the colonel can argue about nothing for hours so as long as they’re just talking, it should be ok.”
She glanced over her shoulder, still smiling as she listened to the colonel’s voice weaving the strange fairy tale for Daniel. She shook her head and chuckled as she listened to the words.
“So this godfather guy decided that he’d help Cinderella and “borrowed” some fancy duds from the local snakehead . . .”
“Snakehead?”
“Shssh! Just listen, Daniel!”
“I’m trying. It doesn’t seem to make sense.”
Jack carried on as if Daniel had never spoken. The words flowing in a soothing, slightly humorous stream as only Jack O’Neill could manage, torturing the familiar fairy tale almost beyond recognition.
“But the shoes were way too tight. Seems the little gal was burdened with these huge, honking feet and the snakehead had teeny tiny ones so he needed a way to make the shoes fit ‘cause you can’t go to a fancy ball barefoot, right?”
Sam chuckled aloud and Teal’c frowned slightly as they listened.
“Oh, no of course not!” Daniel’s voice was full of sarcasm as he spoke.
“So he went in search of some form of lubrication.”
“Lubrication?”
“You know, to make the shoes slip on her feet. He suggests axle grease but Cindy says that’s too messy.”
“Why doesn’t he just “poof” something up? He’s a wizard isn’t he?”
“I thought he was an ancient.”
“You what? Why would you think that?”
“Forget that, Daniel, it doesn’t matter.”
“Ok. So what happened next?”
“Well, he looks around the house trying to find something that will help and finally happens on some lamp oil. Might work, he thinks, but flammable. Could be dangerous with all those candles and long skirts. The snakeheads seem to have a thing for open flames and it might just send her up in a ball of fire, especially if you considered all that free flowing ale! So, he decides on butter. Butter will be better. Yeah, that would do the trick.”
“Butter?”
“Yeah! They live on a farm and they have lots of butter. So butter it is and it works! Cindy slips easily into the shoes and they hop on their spaceship to head out for the ball.”
“WAIT! Spaceship? Don’t you mean wagon or carriage or horses?”
“No, Daniel. This is a multi-dimensional story!”
“Oh, I give up!”
“So, they arrive at the ball and then there’s the eating, the drinking, the dancing with the prince and before you know it, the clock strikes twelve. Cindy remembers that ole’ Merlin told her to be out of there by midnight because the snakehead might be making an appearance and wouldn’t be too happy about them borrowing her clothes. So Cindy runs out of the ballroom but all that dancing had caused the butter to melt into a slushy, oily mess and as she starts down the stairs, she loses a shoe.”
“Oh, God! Are you sure this is necessary, Jack?”
“Shut up, Daniel.”
Carter was almost falling over from trying to contain her laughter and braced herself against the tall, stoic monument that was Teal’c. When she looked up into his eyes she laughed even harder at the puzzlement that was apparent there.
“I’m almost done.”
“Good. What’s the punch line?”
“Moral, Daniel, not punch line.”
“Ok, what’s the moral of the story?”
“The moral of the story is . . . if you want to impress a prince, don’t borrow clothes from a snakehead. They’re all overdressed maniacs and they get really pissed off if you put butter in their shoes!”
Daniel chuckled despite himself as he stared at his friend who was sporting an obviously proud grin.
“You’re hopelessly insane, Jack.”
“Aw, come on! It was a great story and I’m not going to take that comment personally this time, Daniel just don’t make it a habit.”
His voice was neutral but his eyes twinkled with mischief as he watched Daniel’s reaction.
“Why is this time any different?”
Daniel seemed to snuggle deeper into the pillow and allowed his eyes to begin drifting shut. Jack reached out and shook his shoulder again.
“Because you have a head injury.”
“I do?”
“You do.”
“Ok, I think I’ll go to sleep now.”
“Daniel?”
“Hmm?”
“Still dating that teacher?”
Twenty three hours and forty-five minutes later . . .
Sam and Teal’c stepped into the infirmary and stopped momentarily just inside the door listening to the single voice echoing softly throughout the room. Sam turned to Teal’c with wide eyes and mouth falling open slightly in surprise as she shook her head slowly.
“He’s still at it, Teal’c!”
“So it seems, Major Carter.”
“Well, it’s been almost twenty-four hours and Janet said he’d be out of danger by then if there were no complications.”
“I hear only O’Neill’s voice.”
Sam chuckled softly. “Yeah, I know. Time to rescue Daniel?” She paused smiling. “Or relieve the Colonel, take your pick.”
“Indeed.” Teal’c nodded and followed her into the almost quiet room.
They moved quietly towards Daniel’s bed stopping just short of it as Jack’s voice droned on, lilting and swelling to bring life to the words he spoke.
“She saw Sheriff’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sheriff’s shoes on the sofa?”
Jack stopped and Daniel groaned softly.
“Hello, Sir. Daniel.”
“Carter! Teal’c! How’s it going?”
Sam looked at Daniel who was sitting up in bed, head bowed in his hands as if resigned to endless torture. Then she looked up at the colonel and scrunched her face slightly in an unasked question. Jack shrugged and tried to smile as he wiped one hand across his obviously tired face.
For a long moment she stood still, looking back and forth between the two men. Daniel seemed better, although exhausted and the colonel seemed worse, even more exhausted. Neither had slept since returning from their mission but she knew the colonel wouldn’t quit until he knew Daniel was safe. Staring at them in silence, she decided to take a page from the colonel’s book and smiled devilishly as she answered his question.
“I’m sure the ship’s shipshape, Sir!”
Jack stared at her blankly for a moment then lowered his head slightly and chuckled softly. Daniel however, was not so amused.
“Oh, my God! Is it contagious? Please, Sam, not you, too? Teal’c, do something!”
“We surely shall see the sun shine soon, Daniel Jackson.”
“No. Oh, no!”
Daniel was tossing back the covers and preparing to move out of the bed to escape the endless tongue twisters and mindless stories that had been his lot for the past day. Sam placed a gentle hand on his shoulder to restrain him.
“Not yet, Daniel. You have to wait for Janet.”
“I’ll need a psychiatrist by the time she gets here! Where is she, anyway?”
Janet swept into the curtained area in a small whirlwind, smiling at SG-1 as she moved past them and towards Daniel. She was already poking and prodding as she spoke.
“I’m right here, Daniel. How are you feeling?”
“Tired.”
“Yes, I’d think so.”
“Just get these evil maniacs away from me and I’ll be fine.”
SG-1 grinned at his words. He was better. They didn’t need Janet to tell them that, they could see it for themselves.
Janet continued to poke at Daniel, taking vital signs and feeling his scalp for lumps just as she had several times during the long night. Then as she pulled the stethoscope away from his chest and started to write in the chart she glanced up at the colonel.
“I thought you were going home, Sir.”
“Well, you know me, Doc. I thought a thought. But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought.”
Janet grimaced, then chuckled as she finished writing.
“Well, Daniel, I think you’re going to be fine. You can get some rest now but we’ll still need to wake you in a few hours just to be sure. Ok?”
Daniel was already sliding down against the pillows, his eyes drifting shut as his tall form relaxed into the bed.
“You’re an angel, Janet.”
“Oh, sure! Praise her! She’s isn’t the one who’s been keeping you awake all night!”
“You’re an angel, too, Jack. Now shut up and let me sleep.”
Janet tucked him in, raised the rails on his bed and turned on the colonel.
“Your turn, Sir.”
“Me? What? I’m fine, Doc!”
“Colonel, don’t make me get my needles out. Doctor’s orders, in that bunk and get some sleep. You two, out of here so that he can change.”
Jack looked at Carter and Teal’c in complete frustration as they turned to obey Janet’s orders.
“Doc?”
“No arguments, Colonel. Daniel’s sleeping and so will you.”
Less than ten minutes later Janet stepped out and waved Sam and Teal’c back into the room. All three were smiling as they stared down at the two figures, both sleeping soundly. They were almost endearing as they lay there, totally exhausted, like two mischievous little boys that had finally worn themselves down and collapsed into oblivion.
“So they’re both ok, Janet?”
“They’ll be fine, Sam. They just need to rest now. I’d be hard pressed to say which of them is more exhausted at this point. You know they never stopped talking all night! I was tempted to record it!”
Sam chucked again.
“I wish you had. I can only imagine.”
“I’m not sure you can, Sam. Some of the things the colonel came up with to keep Daniel awake! I mean, even I was surprised; they laughed, they argued and sometimes they just talked. He told stories . . .”
“Yeah, I think Teal’c and I heard one of those as we were leaving last night.”
“Strange. Very strange but . . . it worked. And those damned tongue twisters! Where did he learn those anyway?”
“Who knows? He never ceases to surprise me. Will you let us know when they’re awake?”
Janet smiled down on her charges and nodded her head firmly.
“Sure, Sam. Just don’t worry if they sleep until tomorrow.”
As Janet reached up for the curtain that encircled the beds she paused to check each crumpled form again. Watching their chests rise and fall; checking with her trained eyes for any abnormality and when she was satisfied that all was well, she smiled. Then she looked at Sam and Teal’c and smiled devilishly, a small glimmer appearing in her eyes.
“Two toads totally tired.”
Then she pulled the curtains closed and the three of them walked away.